Well, quite some time has passed since my last blog post. Almost four months to be exact and lots has changed since then. In my last post, I talked about how I was offered a new job and that I was really excited to start my new role. I am happy to report that I've been in my position now for almost four months and I absolutely LOVE it! That being said, I don't think I realized how much time I would spend focusing on my career. I forgot what it was like to consistently learn new things. Plus, I had no idea what it would be like to "manage" people. I swear there are days when I come home and feel like I can't speak English to my family, let alone write a blog post, because my brain is just mush. Once I'm home though, I really try to be "home." No checking emails unless absolutely necessary. Typically, I try to be home in time for supper. Then we do bathes, homework, prep for the next day and try to spend some quality time together. By then I'm usually exhausted myself. Hence why my little blog here went silent for so long.
I've been doing lots of reflecting during the silence. I've realized that I really miss blogging and while I know that I may not be able to do it as frequently as I once did, I really want to try to get back into it. I've also realized that if I'm not blogging, I'm not taking pictures. I'm sad because part of the reason I started doing this was so that I could document the kiddos. The last pictures I have are from early September. sad.face.
Through the silence, I've noticed that I need to strive to find a better work/home balance and take some time for me. I'm no good to my boys, family, friends or coworkers if I don't take care of myself first. I miss writing and I miss taking pictures. It may not seem like much to the average person but for me, writing means a great deal. It's official. I'm back!
Showing posts with label A bit about me. Show all posts
Showing posts with label A bit about me. Show all posts
Saturday, January 5, 2013
Thursday, August 23, 2012
Big News
I don't talk about my job on here for a variety of reasons but mostly because I don't like to mix work and play. This is a place for me to talk about fun things. Who wants to hear about work stuff? So I keep the two separate. Therefore, this will be the only time I will share any information about my job. I graduated two years ago with a bachelors in health care administration and a business minor. While in school I worked at a local healthcare facility. I just wanted to get my "foot in the door" so to speak. My hope was that once I got my degree I would get promoted and frankly live my perfect life. Sound too good to be true? That's because it is!
Lets be honest. I had unrealistic expectations from the start. I don't think I can name one person who graduates and immediately gets promoted or finds the perfect job. I can say that now but thinking back I was so frustrated and couldn't figure out why I never got a promotion. Don't get me wrong. My boss tried to get me one. My doctors tried too. We must have written three or four different job descriptions and every time we sent them to HR they always came back as being denied. I think what made it even more difficult was the fact that I was told on many different occasions that I would in fact get a promotion. So when it didn't happen, I thought it was me and I really struggled with why it wasn't working out. There were also times when I felt horrible for even asking for a promotion when so many people out there struggle and don't even have A JOB. I made up my mind to start looking elsewhere and even that didn't work. I would apply for jobs and hear nothing back. Then the resentment hit. Why did I go to school and put my family on the line? What was the point in racking up student loans if I was going to be an administrative assistant forever? I wanted MORE for myself and for my family.
But then I got pregnant again. Then we were looking for houses. With all of that going on, I didn't have the time or energy to find something new. I stopped looking. When I went back to work after my maternity leave I was a complete nightmare. I struggled with post postpartum depression. We had a baby who never slept (thank you Grayson for finally sleeping through the night at 10 months!) The timing was just off. I would have never been able to handle a new job. When things finally calmed down I made up my mind to start looking again. Tommy and I talked about it and came up with a game plan while we were on vacation in July. We decided that every Saturday I was going to go to Starbucks or the library, somewhere without the kiddos, where I could seriously look for jobs, write cover letters, tweak my resume, etc. and I was going to do this every Saturday for a couple of hours until I found something new. I felt ready and like we had a plan.
My first day back at work after vacation was fairly typical. Before I left for the day my phone rang and it was a woman who was given my name and wanted to talk to me about a position in her department. We talked briefly and agreed to meet the next day for coffee. She admitted the next day that she didn't know much about me so I gave her my resume and we talked about my job history and my goals and she told me about herself. Initially she had planned on hiring another administrative assistant in her department but after speaking with me she changed her mind and wanted to post a position for a supervisor. Wait. WHAT? Is this really happening right now? I was completely stunned. This just fell on my lap. There was no looking. No Saturday's spent at Starbucks. I didn't want to get too excited but lets be serious. I was thrilled. Things moved really quickly. The job officially posted that week, I interviewed and met the staff and got the official offer yesterday.
It is so easy to look back now and say everything happens for a reason but its true. There is a reason why I didn't get promoted within my current department. There is a reason why I never heard back from other jobs I applied for. I wasn't meant to get those positions. I was meant for this. This feels right. I swear I was born to plan things but God laughs at plans. He works in mystery ways and I could not be any happier. Lesson learned: good things come to those who wait!
Monday, August 6, 2012
Goal for the week {Week 4}
I haven't done a goal for the week post in what feels like forever, so I thought it was time to share what I hope to accomplish this week.
This pretty little table is in desperate need of some TLC. I want to paint it white so it matches the other table in our living room but I have no idea what the heck I'm doing. Scary and I don't want to ruin it. Tommy's uncle built it for us because we couldn't find exactly what we were looking for. HELP. Someone. I don't even know where to start so one of the things I want to accomplish this week is to at least do some research and figure out how to make this table beautiful. I can't wait to get a table lamp or two on there with some books. This is very exciting stuff in my life people!
In addition to figuring out what to do with this table, I need to get Aidan registered for kindergarten and tackle "back to school" shopping. I can't believe my baby is starting school. Like real, Monday through Friday school. He is so ready and is already asking when school starts. I am not ready. I can't believe he is almost six. I feel old.
Also on the to-do list is to start doing more of this...
Yes, that is the moon. My bestie and I have started running and the only time that works for us is before work, as in FIVE a.m. We registered for a 5K on August 24th, so I figure I had better get moving. It is still so funny to me to say I started running. Who am I kidding? Its more like walk/jogging. I don't run anywhere. Maybe someday I will though. With practice, who knows what will happen.
So there you have it, my goals for the week. I will be majorly impressed if I can tackle all of these.
Monday, June 25, 2012
On adapting {What the baby books don't tell you}
I am relatively new to the blogging world and I have to say so far I am absolutely loving it. I started blogging because I want to have something for my boys to look back on when they get older. A journal of sorts to keep track of all the happy, silly, funny and not-so-funny things we get into. I stumbled upon Jeannett's blog, LifeRearranged when I started my blog. Her blog quickly became one of my favorites. I love what she stands for. Plus, she hosts instafriday, which I participate in weekly. I digress... she is currently hosting a series prompting fellow bloggers to answer the question "What the baby books don't tell you." I've read each post and because motherhood is a topic near and dear to my heart I thought why not answer the prompt myself. Here is my take on what the baby books don't tell you...
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom. It's hard to admit that now that I have two littles but its true. I never babysat. I had no desire to interact with children. In fact, I was that girl who would see a baby crying while shopping and roll my eyes and mutter under my breath. I simply did not have the mama gene. And I didn't want the mama gene. The truth is, kids scared me. The responsibility scared me and I was too selfish to even think about taking care of someone besides myself. Instead, I imagined traveling around the world with my husband and living in a condo downtown. Children were never part of the plan.
Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom. It's hard to admit that now that I have two littles but its true. I never babysat. I had no desire to interact with children. In fact, I was that girl who would see a baby crying while shopping and roll my eyes and mutter under my breath. I simply did not have the mama gene. And I didn't want the mama gene. The truth is, kids scared me. The responsibility scared me and I was too selfish to even think about taking care of someone besides myself. Instead, I imagined traveling around the world with my husband and living in a condo downtown. Children were never part of the plan.
Then, bam. I was pregnant. (because, you know... that's how it happens) I lived in a house with five other people, I was 24, still in college and couldn't even pay my cell phone bill. Not to mention Tommy and I had only been dating for a year. How in the world were we going to have a baby? To say I was scared would be an understatement. I wish I could remember everything that went through my mind at that time but I don't. I just remember knowing with absolutely certainty that I HAD to go through it. There was no other option for me.
So I stopped going to school to work full time. Tommy and I moved into our own place. We did the best we could to prepare for our new arrival. I remember crying to my OB from 32 weeks on until I delivered Aidan because I had no idea how to be a mom. Over and over I repeated I can't do this. I don't know how and he looked at me and said "Kristi, you just know. You just do it." And he was right. It didn't matter that I read every.single.baby.book out there in order to try to grasp some sort of knowledge to prep me for the journey ahead. Of course the books helped with the basics like, things to try if your baby won't stop crying, how to swaddle, when to start solid foods, how to change a diaper and more. But to me, that isn't what this little thing called motherhood is all about. In fact, you could read all the books out there but nothing can convey the immediate bond you feel with your new baby. Or how you would quite literally do ANYTHING for them. Nothing can prepare for those first smiles. First coos. Or the first time you get puked on. The first time your toddler falls down and scraps his knees. The first time someone hurts his feelings. Or how your child will start to take on some of your characteristics, even the ones you hoped they wouldn't. Or the first time you have a diaper blow out (I know that wasn't in the baby books!). Or how you will sob like a baby when your son has his first Spring Sing. Or how happy you are when he makes a goal in soccer. The books don't prepare you for how to answer questions like, "is there t-ball and squirt guns in heaven" or the standard "why is the sky blue."
At 24 I learned very quickly that you have to be flexible and adapt. Nothing is by the book and just like my OB said, you really do "just do it." You roll with the punches. You figure out it. And the best part of it is, there really is no right or wrong answer. You do what is best for you. You breast feed or you bottle feed. You use cloth diapers or disposable diapers. You co-sleep or you don't. You rock them to sleep or you let them cry it out. You make your own baby food or you buy it in the jar. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you do what works best for you and your baby. What works best for you might not be what what works for your friend or your coworkers and there is nothing wrong with that.
Thinking back now, its funny to remember the time in my life when I thought I never wanted kids. I can't imagine life without them. I am a better person because of my boys. They have taught me things about myself I never knew existed. Patience. What it means to sacrifice. How to love unconditionally. They have made me more aware of the plight of others. Like the fact that 4,500 children die each day because of water related diseases. Clean water, something we take for granted every single day, still affects thousands of people each day. Can you imagine not being able to give your little one a glass of water? Me either. So donate to the cause: Charity: Water. Lets help support those out there that don't have access to clean water.
Now, I look at the mom with the screaming child in Target and have sympathy for her. There is no more eye rolling and muttering under my breath. I smile because I've been there. We all have. And I wouldn't trade this little thing called motherhood for anything.
At 24 I learned very quickly that you have to be flexible and adapt. Nothing is by the book and just like my OB said, you really do "just do it." You roll with the punches. You figure out it. And the best part of it is, there really is no right or wrong answer. You do what is best for you. You breast feed or you bottle feed. You use cloth diapers or disposable diapers. You co-sleep or you don't. You rock them to sleep or you let them cry it out. You make your own baby food or you buy it in the jar. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you do what works best for you and your baby. What works best for you might not be what what works for your friend or your coworkers and there is nothing wrong with that.
Thinking back now, its funny to remember the time in my life when I thought I never wanted kids. I can't imagine life without them. I am a better person because of my boys. They have taught me things about myself I never knew existed. Patience. What it means to sacrifice. How to love unconditionally. They have made me more aware of the plight of others. Like the fact that 4,500 children die each day because of water related diseases. Clean water, something we take for granted every single day, still affects thousands of people each day. Can you imagine not being able to give your little one a glass of water? Me either. So donate to the cause: Charity: Water. Lets help support those out there that don't have access to clean water.
Now, I look at the mom with the screaming child in Target and have sympathy for her. There is no more eye rolling and muttering under my breath. I smile because I've been there. We all have. And I wouldn't trade this little thing called motherhood for anything.
Monday, June 18, 2012
Goal for the Week {Week 3}
Hooray! I finally made some progress on Grayson's party. I don't want to reveal too many details because I want everything to be a surprise, but I ran errands for supplies, I planned the menu and crafted. Things are starting to fall into place and I'm so glad. I just wish I had started sooner but that's the story of my life.
I know this is probably a bit boring AND redundant but my goal isn't changing this week. I need to keep plugging away at the party plans. In addition though, I want to make sure I find the time to relax and enjoy some downtime. Easier said than done!
What is your goal for the week?
I know this is probably a bit boring AND redundant but my goal isn't changing this week. I need to keep plugging away at the party plans. In addition though, I want to make sure I find the time to relax and enjoy some downtime. Easier said than done!
What is your goal for the week?
Friday, June 15, 2012
Update: One Word 2012
At the start of the year, I wrote this post because I thought it might be fun to focus on a word and make it my mantra for the year. The word I chose was relish. I really wanted to focus on relaxing and taking time to enjoy the fun things life has to offer rather than always working on checking things off my to-do list. Are you ready to hear how I've been doing?
The short answer is, terrible! I can't pretend like I've been doing a great job because I'd by lying. In all honesty, I don't think I have the ability to relax. Is that weird? Every time I sit down to TRY and enjoy some downtime I just think about all the things I should be doing and then get up and do them. It's a disease or something. I have good intentions to relax. I have good intentions to not let the dirty dishes bother me. I have good intentions to enjoy my time alone with Tommy once the kids are asleep. However, none of these things happen. I can't relax. Dirty dishes BUG ME and when Tommy and I finally have some alone time, I do the dishes, make lunches, start laundry, or clean up from the day. Then when I finally do sit down, I fall asleep.
Clearly, I need to strike a balance. But the truth is, I like the chaos. I'd rather be busy all day, working, chasing kids, driving from here to there, making lunches, planning our weekend than sitting like a bump on a log. Deep down though, I KNOW I need a break. I need to enjoy some downtime. I need to spend QT with Tommy and the boys. Even more so, I need to get it in my head and know that its OK to not be doing something every.single.second.of.the.day. I've learned that I'm really good at saying I need a break but I'm not really good at actually taking one. I have six more months to work this out and I'm going to make it a priority.
The short answer is, terrible! I can't pretend like I've been doing a great job because I'd by lying. In all honesty, I don't think I have the ability to relax. Is that weird? Every time I sit down to TRY and enjoy some downtime I just think about all the things I should be doing and then get up and do them. It's a disease or something. I have good intentions to relax. I have good intentions to not let the dirty dishes bother me. I have good intentions to enjoy my time alone with Tommy once the kids are asleep. However, none of these things happen. I can't relax. Dirty dishes BUG ME and when Tommy and I finally have some alone time, I do the dishes, make lunches, start laundry, or clean up from the day. Then when I finally do sit down, I fall asleep.
Clearly, I need to strike a balance. But the truth is, I like the chaos. I'd rather be busy all day, working, chasing kids, driving from here to there, making lunches, planning our weekend than sitting like a bump on a log. Deep down though, I KNOW I need a break. I need to enjoy some downtime. I need to spend QT with Tommy and the boys. Even more so, I need to get it in my head and know that its OK to not be doing something every.single.second.of.the.day. I've learned that I'm really good at saying I need a break but I'm not really good at actually taking one. I have six more months to work this out and I'm going to make it a priority.
Monday, June 11, 2012
Goal for the Week {Week 2}
Last week I linked up with Erika to share my goals for the week, with the hopes that blogging about my to-do(s) would make me more accountable. (and, I think it worked!) Before I discuss this weeks goals though, I thought I'd update on last weeks.
I am happy to say I was able to clean ALL of my windows inside and out which was no small feat. It took me a couple of hours but it was totally worth it. No more little finger prints, dirt or other grossness. I was also able to go through all of Aidan's clothes and toys. I completely purged his room. Considering he is five, I doubt this will last long but for now I am happy with the results.
I did not get to Grayson's room nor did I do anything to move the party planning process along. His party is 17 days away, so I had better get moving. Sounds like a goal for this week. In fact, I think that is going to be my only goal for the week. I have SO.MUCH. to do for this party and if I add anything else to my to-do list I don't think I will get to it. So there you go. My goal. I'm going to make it happen! Wish me luck!
I am happy to say I was able to clean ALL of my windows inside and out which was no small feat. It took me a couple of hours but it was totally worth it. No more little finger prints, dirt or other grossness. I was also able to go through all of Aidan's clothes and toys. I completely purged his room. Considering he is five, I doubt this will last long but for now I am happy with the results.
I did not get to Grayson's room nor did I do anything to move the party planning process along. His party is 17 days away, so I had better get moving. Sounds like a goal for this week. In fact, I think that is going to be my only goal for the week. I have SO.MUCH. to do for this party and if I add anything else to my to-do list I don't think I will get to it. So there you go. My goal. I'm going to make it happen! Wish me luck!
Sunday, June 3, 2012
Goal for the Week
I stumbled upon Erika's blog by pure accident and I LOVE it! Her writing is so transparent and easy to relate to. Anywho, she hosts a linky party every Sunday about her goals for the week. If you know me at all, you KNOW I love lists and I love talking about my goals because I'm more accountable that way. Thought I would join in on the fun and link up.
With Grayson's first birthday party quickly approaching one of my goals this week is to finally finish the bunting I started weeks ago. You know, the one I should have finished two weeks ago but still haven't touched. I really just need to get organized with the entire event and give myself some deadlines. I love planning parties though, so all of this should be easy breezy. It's just a matter of finding the time to do it.
Some not-so-fun things I need to accomplish are cleaning our windows inside and out (YUCK!) and going through both boys dressers and closets. They are growing SO FAST. It seems like half of their clothes don't fit them. I need to take all of Gray's 9 month clothes out and put his 12 month clothes in. The same goes for Aidan. I'm embarrassed to admit that Aidan still has some 4T shirts hanging in his closet.
Fingers crossed I'm able to check these things off my "to-do" list. What are your goals for the week?
Wednesday, May 23, 2012
Besties
This picture makes me smile!
Meet two of the cutest five-year-olds you have ever seen. These two are BEST buddies! In fact, they call each other "twin" because in their little eyes, they are exactly the same. They both have blonde hair. They are both missing the same front tooth already. They like the same things...t-ball, soccer, Star Wars, Super Heroes, baseball. You get the idea. They are the greatest of friends at the age of five. Aidan and Nate met in preschool two years ago. They were in the same class. Aidan would come home from school and talk about Nate everyday. I finally asked his teacher how we could get in touch with Nate's parents so that we could set up a play date. And I will never forget the day I met his parents. We had so much in common and so did our boys. I knew we would be life long friends and our boys would be too! We had a play date last Friday and watching them interact together made me think about the friendships I established when I was young and am still lucky enough to have now.
I never realized how fortunate I was to have such a great group of friends until I started talking to other people who were shocked when I told them I'm still best friends with the same girls I grew up with. Is that strange? I didn't think so but I have nothing to compare to.What I love about my group of girls is that no matter how much time passes between us talking or seeing each other it's as if we've never left each others sides. I don't think many people can say that. There is never any awkwardness. We always just pick up right where we left off. I love that. I love us and I am so so lucky to have these girls in my life.
(don't be jealous of how cool we look ;)
(Senior picture)
I met Kristina when I was five too. I had a perm and then I had a perm-mullet. Don't judge! We were quite the pair. We were in the same kindergarten class and I am so happy to say that after 24 years we are still best friends. We were in Girl Scouts together. We enjoyed the same things. We dressed the same. We liked the same kind of music. We fought over boys. We had sleep overs; so many that I can't even count. We've gone on vacations together. She stood up in my wedding. She helps me with my kiddos. We have a date every week. Sometimes we just sit around and watch trashy television. Other times we go out. I am blessed to have her in my life. She is one of the most kind, caring, compassionate and generous people I know. She will drop anything and everything to help in a time of need. She is my voice of reason and I love her more than words can explain. I can only hope she knows how much she is appreciated.
(clearly, we thought we were very cool)
(heart!)
Raquel and I met in second grade. She was my maid of honor. She was in the delivery room with me when I had Aidan. She is also Aidan's Godmother. Some of my fondest memories growing up are with her. We shared head lice (it was inevitable!) and Barbies. We were obsessed with Barbies. There were countless spaghetti dinners over at her house while we were young. When I got my first CD, I called her and she came right over so we could listen to Ace of Base, The Sign, over and over again. She got me hooked on Dave Matthews Band when we were in college. We love to shop together We did really dumb things too like break into my parents liquor cabinet. She lives in California now and even though she isn't here for me to see or talk to on a regular basis, she will always be one of my best friends. 
(Prom)
(we should be studying but you know how that goes...)
Alicia and I became close in high school. We did Poms together. We went to Chicago together to look for prom dresses. We went to a tanning salon for the first time together and I will never forgot lying on the bed when it wasn't even turned on thinking I was actually tanning only to tell her afterwards what happened and she laughed at me and made me go back and tell the staff so I could go again. (We still laugh about that) Her bedroom was always a disaster and her parents wouldn't let her hangout unless her room was clean. I remember waiting hours (and I mean hours) for her to clean her room. She lives in Florida now and has been gracious enough to let me come down and stay with her many times. She is getting married next year and I couldn't be more excited for her!
(Disney World)
(love!)
Michelle and I were in Girl Scouts together as well but have recently become very close friends. She is currently in Kansas City, MO doing her residency but in just a few short months she is moving back to Milwaukee to do her fellowship in Emergency Medicine at Children's Hospital. I AM SO EXCITED I can hardly contain myself!! I can always look to her for the best advice about my kiddos and I know she will give an honest answer without making me feel stupid. She is a hoot to be around and we always have the best time together. She always puts others before herself and remembers every.single. important event. She is known for sending cards for every occasion. I am so lucky to have her and am literally counting down the days until she is in my neck of the woods again!!
(apparently it was "cool" to wear see through shirts. YIKES)
(the gang)
Jess and I become great friends the first summer after high school. She is a resident of Australia now but is actually traveling the world...lucky gal! She is the writer behind Journey with Jess Jones where she blogs all about her travels. She is such an inspiration. She makes me want to be a better person. I love her constant positive attitude. She always looks at the bright side and helps me to do the same. I will never forget the night we stayed up all night talking about all the DUMB things we had ever done. Either together or separate. Stories that are sooooo not blog appropriate to tell. We laughed until our bellies hurt. Best.Night. EVER. We also loved to drive around with all the windows down in the car and sing at the top of our lungs. We are both admittedly terrible singers. It has been five years since I've seen her but when we talk, it feels like not a day has passed, much less five years.These five girls are my rock. They are always there. They always know exactly what to do or say in every situation. They are amazing. My life wouldn't be the same without them. I pray that Aidan is fortunate enough to establish quality friendships similar to the bonds I have established with my besties.
~Love you girls!! Thank you for all you've done for me. You mean more than you know. xoxo~
Monday, May 21, 2012
I need a break
Help! I need a break...
As a mother, is it normal to sometimes feel this way? And is it OK to feel this way and not feel guilty? The latter is what I seem to have a hard time with. I always feel so guilty when I'm away from my kids. My heart belongs at home so when I'm not there I don't feel right. It feels like something is missing. At the same time though, I feel rejuvenated whenever I get a break. Even if its just a quick trip alone to the grocery store. I also feel guilty whenever my kids drive me to my breaking point. It's a lose-lose situation. I feel guilty for losing my cool and I feel guilty for leaving.
Tommy's baseball season started last week so the boys and I have been on our own. Things are going well for the most part. The trickiest time is definitely dinner and bed time. Part of what makes this time so difficult is that Aidan and Grayson are on two completely different schedules. Grayson eats dinner at five and has a bottle at 6:30 so I can lay him down at seven. Aidan and I don't usually even sit down to eat until seven. But that means I need to be making our dinner around 6:30 so we can eat at seven. See the overlap? I've been trying to keep Grayson on his schedule as much as possible because he seems to have the hardest time with change. But then I have to deal with the complaints from Aidan about being starving and asking when dinner is ready. I can't blame him too much...I'm usually quite hungry by then too. So, we've been eating later which then means he has been getting to bed later too. I don't know how single parents do it. I really don't. I suppose its one of those "you just do it" situations without even thinking about it. But its days like yesterday that make me appreciate the help Tommy gives me even more than I normally do.
Tommy had a game yesterday so he left the house around 11:45. I took the boys to church by myself. We haven't been very good about going lately because Grayson always takes his morning nap during church and if his schedule gets out of whack he is "off" the entire day. I wanted to give it a try and see what would happen. Aidan decided he didn't want to go to Sunday school because the kids were singing and we hadn't been in several weeks and he didn't' know the words. I couldn't really blame him so I let him sit with me. BIG. Mistake.Once the kids were done singing he decided he wanted to go to Sunday school. Toooooo late buddy. So I made him sit with me. He wouldn't sit still. He was loud. He was just crazy. We had plans to go to my in-laws after church to visit. I told Aidan he was going to eat lunch and have quiet time after. Everything was "no, I don't want that," or "I'm not doing that"... constant talking back. Then the lying started. I saw him picking his nose and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and I said I saw you picking your nose....he insisted he wasn't. I had an ice cream cone later in the day and he demanded he have one too. I refused and he said "If you don't give me an ice cream right now I'm not going to pick up my toys." Excuse me?? I've tried using Love and Logic with him, which really does work (I swear) but its a matter of being consistent with it and I'm not always consistent. I wish I was but at this point I had just about had enough. I took him home. Once at home, I took his Legos away. Holy cow was the world ending. I told him the Legos were mine until further notice. I will be keeping them until he earns them back. I forgot to mention that Grayson has another cold and wouldn't lie down for his nap so I had two really cranky kiddos on my hands.
To complicate matters even more, Aidan has started to be really aggressive with Grayson. Poking him on his head. Grabbing his arms really hard. Pushing him over. Trying to hit him. I've reached my limit with that behavior and I'm really stuck as far as trying to figure out what to do about it. The only thing I do know is that Aidan is still really jealous of Gray and doesn't like when I am doing something with Gray instead of him. He told me that I never play with him because I'm always with the baby. I started to feel guilty (go figure!!) so Tommy and I have started doing monthly outings just with Aidan to see if that helps. I'm not sure it does. I really don't know what to do anymore. And to think he is only five. What on earth is he going to do to me when he is 15?!
Deep down I know its important to take time for myself because if i don't I won't be good to anyone, including myself. I just need to wrap my head around the mama guilt and find a way to let it go. Do you have any tips on how to balance being a mama and still finding time for yourself without feeling guilty?
As a mother, is it normal to sometimes feel this way? And is it OK to feel this way and not feel guilty? The latter is what I seem to have a hard time with. I always feel so guilty when I'm away from my kids. My heart belongs at home so when I'm not there I don't feel right. It feels like something is missing. At the same time though, I feel rejuvenated whenever I get a break. Even if its just a quick trip alone to the grocery store. I also feel guilty whenever my kids drive me to my breaking point. It's a lose-lose situation. I feel guilty for losing my cool and I feel guilty for leaving.
Tommy's baseball season started last week so the boys and I have been on our own. Things are going well for the most part. The trickiest time is definitely dinner and bed time. Part of what makes this time so difficult is that Aidan and Grayson are on two completely different schedules. Grayson eats dinner at five and has a bottle at 6:30 so I can lay him down at seven. Aidan and I don't usually even sit down to eat until seven. But that means I need to be making our dinner around 6:30 so we can eat at seven. See the overlap? I've been trying to keep Grayson on his schedule as much as possible because he seems to have the hardest time with change. But then I have to deal with the complaints from Aidan about being starving and asking when dinner is ready. I can't blame him too much...I'm usually quite hungry by then too. So, we've been eating later which then means he has been getting to bed later too. I don't know how single parents do it. I really don't. I suppose its one of those "you just do it" situations without even thinking about it. But its days like yesterday that make me appreciate the help Tommy gives me even more than I normally do.
Tommy had a game yesterday so he left the house around 11:45. I took the boys to church by myself. We haven't been very good about going lately because Grayson always takes his morning nap during church and if his schedule gets out of whack he is "off" the entire day. I wanted to give it a try and see what would happen. Aidan decided he didn't want to go to Sunday school because the kids were singing and we hadn't been in several weeks and he didn't' know the words. I couldn't really blame him so I let him sit with me. BIG. Mistake.Once the kids were done singing he decided he wanted to go to Sunday school. Toooooo late buddy. So I made him sit with me. He wouldn't sit still. He was loud. He was just crazy. We had plans to go to my in-laws after church to visit. I told Aidan he was going to eat lunch and have quiet time after. Everything was "no, I don't want that," or "I'm not doing that"... constant talking back. Then the lying started. I saw him picking his nose and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and I said I saw you picking your nose....he insisted he wasn't. I had an ice cream cone later in the day and he demanded he have one too. I refused and he said "If you don't give me an ice cream right now I'm not going to pick up my toys." Excuse me?? I've tried using Love and Logic with him, which really does work (I swear) but its a matter of being consistent with it and I'm not always consistent. I wish I was but at this point I had just about had enough. I took him home. Once at home, I took his Legos away. Holy cow was the world ending. I told him the Legos were mine until further notice. I will be keeping them until he earns them back. I forgot to mention that Grayson has another cold and wouldn't lie down for his nap so I had two really cranky kiddos on my hands.
To complicate matters even more, Aidan has started to be really aggressive with Grayson. Poking him on his head. Grabbing his arms really hard. Pushing him over. Trying to hit him. I've reached my limit with that behavior and I'm really stuck as far as trying to figure out what to do about it. The only thing I do know is that Aidan is still really jealous of Gray and doesn't like when I am doing something with Gray instead of him. He told me that I never play with him because I'm always with the baby. I started to feel guilty (go figure!!) so Tommy and I have started doing monthly outings just with Aidan to see if that helps. I'm not sure it does. I really don't know what to do anymore. And to think he is only five. What on earth is he going to do to me when he is 15?!
Deep down I know its important to take time for myself because if i don't I won't be good to anyone, including myself. I just need to wrap my head around the mama guilt and find a way to let it go. Do you have any tips on how to balance being a mama and still finding time for yourself without feeling guilty?
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Finding Him
When I first started this little blog my brother asked me something similar to: did you find God or something? Huh? What does that even mean? But I have to say, it got me thinking. Did I find God? We were raised Catholic (kind of)...meaning I was baptized but never confirmed. We started off going to church every Sunday and then that changed to only on holidays and then even that stopped. I have never really asked my parents why. It really doesn't matter. Growing up, I thought church was boring and had absolutely no interest in going. We didn't pray before meals. In fact, I don't think we ever really prayed. If we did, I have no memory of it. I had no concept of God, religion, faith, spirituality. I didn't even realize there was a difference between religion and spirituality until very recently! I was clueless and just didn't understand.
How ironic is it that I started dating someone whose family is very strong in their faith? If I'm being honest, it really freaked me out. I remember saying things to Tommy like "I can't eat dinner at your house. I don't know the dinner prayer"...sounds so funny to say that now. But I remember being so afraid of his parents. Then of course we got pregnant (remember we weren't married). To say I was terrified would be an understatement. Tommy decided he wanted to tell his parents on his own. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled about that. The next day Tommy's mom called me and left a message. She said a child is a gift from God and we are so happy for you. Ummm...what? You mean you aren't screaming at me and disowning us? Ohhhhh. I was happy. I felt like I had somebody in my corner. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said either. A child is a gift from God. Maybe this sounds cliche but I was afraid. Afraid of being pregnant. Afraid of what was to come. Afraid of this gift from God. So, I decided to go to church. Why it took me becoming pregnant to attend, I don't know. All of a sudden it felt really important to me. We started going on a regular basis. Aidan was baptized there. We got married there. Aidan attends Sunday School there. Grayson was baptized there. We finally became members (but after a couple of years). Then I joined my Mom's group which is also through church. I feel part of something bigger than myself when I'm there. I don't know how to explain it.
There are several factors that I think have helped me figure all of this out. When I'm there it doesn't even feel like church. The sermons are applicable to everyone. I honestly feel like the Pastor writes them FOR ME. Which obviously isn't the case but they are so easy to understand and relate to. I sometimes find myself teary and I don't know why. Happy tears. And I have no control over them. They just come. I think it weirds Tommy out but that's OK. There are also two different services offered. A more traditional and a celebration service. We attend the celebration service, so a band plays. A GOOD band. I love the music. There is a huge sense of community as well that I really enjoy. I'm sure part of that stems from my Mom's group. Because I am a part of that group, I KNOW people now. I look forward to seeing them on Sunday's. I've established relationships with these women. I have learned SO MUCH from them. I can ask them ANYTHING and they don't laugh. They are supporting me through this journey. Plus, we do AMAZING things together! With and without our kiddos. I couldn't ask for a better support system. I've also realized that I want this for my kids. I can't go back and change the fact that religion and faith weren't part of my upbringing but I can make it part of my children's. I know I have a LONG way to go and a ton to learn but I am really happy with the journey so far.
How ironic is it that I started dating someone whose family is very strong in their faith? If I'm being honest, it really freaked me out. I remember saying things to Tommy like "I can't eat dinner at your house. I don't know the dinner prayer"...sounds so funny to say that now. But I remember being so afraid of his parents. Then of course we got pregnant (remember we weren't married). To say I was terrified would be an understatement. Tommy decided he wanted to tell his parents on his own. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled about that. The next day Tommy's mom called me and left a message. She said a child is a gift from God and we are so happy for you. Ummm...what? You mean you aren't screaming at me and disowning us? Ohhhhh. I was happy. I felt like I had somebody in my corner. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said either. A child is a gift from God. Maybe this sounds cliche but I was afraid. Afraid of being pregnant. Afraid of what was to come. Afraid of this gift from God. So, I decided to go to church. Why it took me becoming pregnant to attend, I don't know. All of a sudden it felt really important to me. We started going on a regular basis. Aidan was baptized there. We got married there. Aidan attends Sunday School there. Grayson was baptized there. We finally became members (but after a couple of years). Then I joined my Mom's group which is also through church. I feel part of something bigger than myself when I'm there. I don't know how to explain it.
There are several factors that I think have helped me figure all of this out. When I'm there it doesn't even feel like church. The sermons are applicable to everyone. I honestly feel like the Pastor writes them FOR ME. Which obviously isn't the case but they are so easy to understand and relate to. I sometimes find myself teary and I don't know why. Happy tears. And I have no control over them. They just come. I think it weirds Tommy out but that's OK. There are also two different services offered. A more traditional and a celebration service. We attend the celebration service, so a band plays. A GOOD band. I love the music. There is a huge sense of community as well that I really enjoy. I'm sure part of that stems from my Mom's group. Because I am a part of that group, I KNOW people now. I look forward to seeing them on Sunday's. I've established relationships with these women. I have learned SO MUCH from them. I can ask them ANYTHING and they don't laugh. They are supporting me through this journey. Plus, we do AMAZING things together! With and without our kiddos. I couldn't ask for a better support system. I've also realized that I want this for my kids. I can't go back and change the fact that religion and faith weren't part of my upbringing but I can make it part of my children's. I know I have a LONG way to go and a ton to learn but I am really happy with the journey so far.
Friday, April 13, 2012
The Baby Who Never Sleeps
Tommy and I have always believed in the "rotating" method. One night he wakes up with Gray and I get to sleep. The next night, I wake up and he gets to sleep. This method works for us and keeps us both sane. After talking with other mamas out there, I realize how lucky I am and that some mamas do. it. all. So before I continue, I would like to acknowledge how lucky I am. Thank you dear husband for sharing in ALL the parenting responsibilities with me. Thank GOD. I have always been a BEAR without sleep. If I had to do every night alone, I would be one unhappy lady. To all you mamas out there that do it all, I applaud you. That being said, I've also realized how different Tommy and I parent and deal with the fact that we have a child who flat out does not sleep.
Yesterday Gray had his nine month check-up. Everything is as it should be. He weighs 17 pounds 10 ounces (a lil' peanut!) and is 28 3/4 inches "tall"... 25 and 75 percentile, respectively. He is developmentally right on track. Because it was his nine month check up, shots were also given. Plus, he is getting two more teeth AND he has a cold. For those of you out there that need a bit more of an explanation as to what this all means, let me explain. The child did NOT sleep last night. Literally. did not sleep. He feel asleep as he normally does but was up 45 minutes later and that continued on until about 2 am. At 2, he was just up. Tossing and turning. Crying. Boogers everywhere. Coughing. Poor little guy was so uncomfortable. Oh, I forgot to mention, it was Tommy's night. So you would think none of this would affect me based on the fact that we rotate nights and it was his night, right? WRONG. Part of it I'm sure is just my Mama gene...I hear him crying. I wake up. I want to comfort him. I want to take his pain away. I want to kiss him and snuggle with him. I want him to get better. Part of it is the fact that the person next to me (I won't name names) was pouting, punching the bed, throwing the covers off of him to get up and go to the baby. This obviously kept me up as well. Don't get me wrong. I get frustrated too. It's hard. Nobody said parenting was easy. Especially on no sleep. And after already being up and down a few times, I would probably have been frustrated too. BUT I firmly believe that babies can TELL if you're angry, frustrated or annoyed and that only makes them more uncomfortable and fussy. After an hour of hearing nothing but sighs and cries from the room next door I got up and went to Gray. I told Tommy just to go to bed. He believes we should just let Gray cry it out. That he needs to self-soothe. I think he is probably right. BUT not when he has a cold. Not after he got shots and not when he is teething like crazy. Tommy went back to sleep and I was awake for the rest of the night (well, morning).
I don't want to generalize but I suppose that is what I'm doing. However, this is just my opinion and maybe not how it is everywhere. In my experience, it seems like it is so easy for the dad to let the child cry it out or to tell the child to "rub some dirt" on their boo-boo if they fall down. They have a tough as nails attitude. They encourage the child not to cry because babies cry not big boys. Maybe I have this perspective because we only have boys. Maybe this is how Daddy's are with girls too. I don't know. I'm a Mama. My natural instincts tell me to run to my boys when they get hurt and to try to make things better. My instincts tell me to go to a crying baby. When either of my boys cry, it breaks my heart. I can't tell Aidan to walk it off when he falls off his bike. I want to kiss him and wipe his tears. Maybe I baby him. Heck, maybe I baby BOTH of my boys. Maybe Grayson should cry it out at night even when he has a cold. But it's so hard for me to let that happen. I have this innate sense of wanting to nurture them. I think that just comes with being a mama. In all honesty, this is probably why Tommy and I work so well together. Because we parent a little differently. We balance each other out. Now, if only we could figure out how to get Gray to sleep.
Monday, March 26, 2012
The Dark Days
I struggled for a long time about whether or not I should blog about this. I went back and forth and finally decided that I was ready. After I had Grayson, I struggled with postpartum depression. I hate saying that. I hate that it happened to me but it did. When Tommy and I found out we were pregnant again we were ecstatic! We couldn't wait to meet our little bugger! However, at the time we were renting and we knew we wanted to be in a house before we welcomed our bundle of joy so we set off to find the perfect house. We started looking in February and I was due mid-July. We thought that was plenty of time...we couldn't have been more wrong. We had a really hard time finding what we were looking for. Houses that had what we wanted, in the area we were looking, were either out of our price range or needed to be completely renovated, which we knew wasn't an option. We eventually found a house we liked and put in an offer but it didn't work out because of issues that came up during the inspection. Then we found another house but found out a sex offender lived a little too close for comfort. Finally, we found "our" house. To make a super long story short, we ended up finding "the perfect house" the beginning of June and closed on June 24th.
The entire process of looking for a house was SO stressful. Trying to find what we liked. Having things fall through. Moving in with my in-laws because the original house we offered on didn't work out. Packing. Cleaning. Moving...TWICE. Unpacking. I went into labor on June 30th...two weeks early. I don't know if any of this contributed to what happened after Gray was born or not. I don't know if I will ever know. What I do know is that the only difference between Aidan's pregnancy and Grayson's pregnancy was the amount of stress I was under. We hadn't even been in our house for a week before I went into labor. I had just had my 38 week check up and started having contractions at work. I was in complete denial that I was in labor. We weren't unpacked. We didn't even have our hospital bag packed. The nursery wasn't ready. All day I pretended like nothing was happening. When my contractions were five minutes apart, I realized I could no longer deny the fact that this baby was coming whether we were ready or not. My labor itself was very textbook...Grayson was born June 30th at 11:24 pm.
Immediately after he was born, I felt like I couldn't look at him. I didn't have the desire to hold him. It hurts just to type that. With Aidan I was crying and was so happy and excited to see him. With Grayson I felt nothing. Then I found myself thinking these crazy, super irrational thoughts. I had no control over them. They just kept popping in my head. I kept thinking that if I held him, I would drop him. I felt uneasy. Tommy knew something was up right away. He asked if I was OK and I said yes. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I thought it would just go away. After Grayson was dried and cleaned up, I held him. We tried nursing. I eventually felt like we were going to be OK. For the reminder of our hospital stay I felt "normal." The crazy thoughts disappeared.
We got home and bam! It all came back. I had no coping skills. I felt like a shitty mom and a shitty wife. I cried all the time. I was short tempered. I was exhausted. Aidan really struggled with Grayson being home. He acted out often and only towards me. I felt like I couldn't deal. I refused visitors. I constantly felt uneasy. I felt like if I held Gray, I would drop him. Then the crazy thoughts started back up...I'm holding Grayson and I drop him in a pool. I'm holding Grayson and I drop him on the coffee table. I'm holding Grayson and I drop him on the kitchen floor. The thoughts were always just me and him and always consisted of me dropping him. I was scared. I didn't want to admit to feeling the way I was feeling and I certainly didn't want to admit to the intrusive thoughts. As freaked out as I was by what was going on in my head, I never once felt like I couldn't take care of him. I never felt like I would purposely hurt him. The intrusive thoughts were always accidental.
I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I never told Tommy. I never called my doctor. Thinking back now, almost nine months later, I KNOW I should have talked to someone right away. At my six week check my OB asked how I was feeling and at that point I told him what had been going on. He said I should've called him right away and I know he was right. I think I was in denial about the way I was feeling. I didn't want to admit to any of it. He asked if I thought I was depressed. I said no because at that point I was starting to feel better. He said he didn't agree based on what I had just told him. He offered to prescribe something. I was nursing and very hesitant to take anything. We agreed to just keep the lines of communication open and I was to call him if I started to feel uneasy again. Fortunately, I didn't. I still don't know what changed but as the days went on, I slowly started to feel better and the thoughts disappeared.
Sitting here typing this is therapeutic in a way. It makes me realize how much I've learned about myself throughout this process. I've realized that there is no reason to hide what happened. There is no reason to be ashamed. As scary as postpartum depression is, it is very real and it happens. There is no shame in that. Ask for help if you need it. Its OK to admit to it. There are resources out there to help you. Call your doctor. Talk to your partner. Don't hold it in and pretend it isn't happening. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...
The entire process of looking for a house was SO stressful. Trying to find what we liked. Having things fall through. Moving in with my in-laws because the original house we offered on didn't work out. Packing. Cleaning. Moving...TWICE. Unpacking. I went into labor on June 30th...two weeks early. I don't know if any of this contributed to what happened after Gray was born or not. I don't know if I will ever know. What I do know is that the only difference between Aidan's pregnancy and Grayson's pregnancy was the amount of stress I was under. We hadn't even been in our house for a week before I went into labor. I had just had my 38 week check up and started having contractions at work. I was in complete denial that I was in labor. We weren't unpacked. We didn't even have our hospital bag packed. The nursery wasn't ready. All day I pretended like nothing was happening. When my contractions were five minutes apart, I realized I could no longer deny the fact that this baby was coming whether we were ready or not. My labor itself was very textbook...Grayson was born June 30th at 11:24 pm.
Immediately after he was born, I felt like I couldn't look at him. I didn't have the desire to hold him. It hurts just to type that. With Aidan I was crying and was so happy and excited to see him. With Grayson I felt nothing. Then I found myself thinking these crazy, super irrational thoughts. I had no control over them. They just kept popping in my head. I kept thinking that if I held him, I would drop him. I felt uneasy. Tommy knew something was up right away. He asked if I was OK and I said yes. I didn't tell anyone how I was feeling. I thought it would just go away. After Grayson was dried and cleaned up, I held him. We tried nursing. I eventually felt like we were going to be OK. For the reminder of our hospital stay I felt "normal." The crazy thoughts disappeared.
We got home and bam! It all came back. I had no coping skills. I felt like a shitty mom and a shitty wife. I cried all the time. I was short tempered. I was exhausted. Aidan really struggled with Grayson being home. He acted out often and only towards me. I felt like I couldn't deal. I refused visitors. I constantly felt uneasy. I felt like if I held Gray, I would drop him. Then the crazy thoughts started back up...I'm holding Grayson and I drop him in a pool. I'm holding Grayson and I drop him on the coffee table. I'm holding Grayson and I drop him on the kitchen floor. The thoughts were always just me and him and always consisted of me dropping him. I was scared. I didn't want to admit to feeling the way I was feeling and I certainly didn't want to admit to the intrusive thoughts. As freaked out as I was by what was going on in my head, I never once felt like I couldn't take care of him. I never felt like I would purposely hurt him. The intrusive thoughts were always accidental.
I felt so ashamed and embarrassed. I never told Tommy. I never called my doctor. Thinking back now, almost nine months later, I KNOW I should have talked to someone right away. At my six week check my OB asked how I was feeling and at that point I told him what had been going on. He said I should've called him right away and I know he was right. I think I was in denial about the way I was feeling. I didn't want to admit to any of it. He asked if I thought I was depressed. I said no because at that point I was starting to feel better. He said he didn't agree based on what I had just told him. He offered to prescribe something. I was nursing and very hesitant to take anything. We agreed to just keep the lines of communication open and I was to call him if I started to feel uneasy again. Fortunately, I didn't. I still don't know what changed but as the days went on, I slowly started to feel better and the thoughts disappeared.
Sitting here typing this is therapeutic in a way. It makes me realize how much I've learned about myself throughout this process. I've realized that there is no reason to hide what happened. There is no reason to be ashamed. As scary as postpartum depression is, it is very real and it happens. There is no shame in that. Ask for help if you need it. Its OK to admit to it. There are resources out there to help you. Call your doctor. Talk to your partner. Don't hold it in and pretend it isn't happening. There is a light at the end of the tunnel...
Wednesday, March 7, 2012
Drowning
Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in life. Do you ever feel that way? I think this is probably a normal feeling to have as a momma but I just don't know where to go with it. I've said this before but for those of you that don't know, I am a working momma. I have a 9-5 well, more like an 8-6...but you get the picture. Most importantly, I am a momma and a wife. A sister and a friend. I am involved in my church. I'm in a moms group. I enjoy blogging and maintaining my blog. I have a house to keep. Bills to pay. Grocery shopping to do. Laundry. Cleaning. The list goes on and on. For the most part, these are all things that I thoroughly ENJOY doing or being involved in. But maybe its too much. How do you decide when enough is enough?
In the past couple of weeks, my job has become more demanding, which is actually a really good thing. I am enjoying my new responsibilities but I come home exhausted. I'm also working longer hours. By the time I get home I have exactly 30 minutes to spend with Grayson and an hour and a half to spend with Aidan, which makes me sad. I feel like a crummy momma. By the time they are in bed, I can barely hold my own head up. BUT I push on...make lunches, pick out clothes for the next day, make sure Aidan and Grayson have everything they need for school and daycare, try to blog, send emails, spend time with my husband. To be honest, its a bit much.
At what point does one "give something up" or remove something from their plate?? The problem I'm facing is that I LOVE all of these "extra" things...I don't want to give them up. However, I feel like right now, I am doing everything mediocre. AND I hate it. I am not a mediocre person. I feel like I'm letting people down. AND I hate that even more. Tommy says I have unrealistic expectations of what someone can accomplish in a day and that I need to be more realistic. Perhaps there is some truth to this statement. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my "to-do" list. Or maybe the problem is that I want to do everything on my own. I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I can't do something. Right now though, I am drowning. I have had the same things on my "to do" list for a week We had tummy troubles in our house over the weekend, as well as a plumbing problem in our basement so the things I thought I would accomplish this weekend never got done. I had a blog post planned for everyday this week...its Wednesday and I am just now posting this. So much for blogging every day. I am discouraged because I'm not accomplishing things the way I wanted them to be accomplished. Maybe Tommy is right. Maybe I need to be more realistic. Maybe I'm not letting anyone down per say. Maybe the person I am letting down is myself.
I don't want this to come off as a "woe is me" post or like I'm complaining about my life. Because I'm not and that is certainly not my intention. As a momma, I am just trying to sort through all of the different demands we face every day and how to decide what if anything to let go of. Because as I sit here typing this, I feel like I can't even maintain status quo anymore. Somethings got to give, but what?
In the past couple of weeks, my job has become more demanding, which is actually a really good thing. I am enjoying my new responsibilities but I come home exhausted. I'm also working longer hours. By the time I get home I have exactly 30 minutes to spend with Grayson and an hour and a half to spend with Aidan, which makes me sad. I feel like a crummy momma. By the time they are in bed, I can barely hold my own head up. BUT I push on...make lunches, pick out clothes for the next day, make sure Aidan and Grayson have everything they need for school and daycare, try to blog, send emails, spend time with my husband. To be honest, its a bit much.
At what point does one "give something up" or remove something from their plate?? The problem I'm facing is that I LOVE all of these "extra" things...I don't want to give them up. However, I feel like right now, I am doing everything mediocre. AND I hate it. I am not a mediocre person. I feel like I'm letting people down. AND I hate that even more. Tommy says I have unrealistic expectations of what someone can accomplish in a day and that I need to be more realistic. Perhaps there is some truth to this statement. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my "to-do" list. Or maybe the problem is that I want to do everything on my own. I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I can't do something. Right now though, I am drowning. I have had the same things on my "to do" list for a week We had tummy troubles in our house over the weekend, as well as a plumbing problem in our basement so the things I thought I would accomplish this weekend never got done. I had a blog post planned for everyday this week...its Wednesday and I am just now posting this. So much for blogging every day. I am discouraged because I'm not accomplishing things the way I wanted them to be accomplished. Maybe Tommy is right. Maybe I need to be more realistic. Maybe I'm not letting anyone down per say. Maybe the person I am letting down is myself.
I don't want this to come off as a "woe is me" post or like I'm complaining about my life. Because I'm not and that is certainly not my intention. As a momma, I am just trying to sort through all of the different demands we face every day and how to decide what if anything to let go of. Because as I sit here typing this, I feel like I can't even maintain status quo anymore. Somethings got to give, but what?
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
A little list
Today, I thought I would share some random tidbits about me...because I know you are dying to learn all about little ole me! Here is what makes me tick:
- Reading is one of my hobbies but it seems like I rarely get the chance to enjoy it anymore
- I am terrible in the kitchen but am really trying to get better
- Growing up, I hated sports. Every. Single. Sport. NOW, I love them. Particularly baseball and football
- Fall is my favorite season
- See #4… I LOVE fall boots. Scarves. Leaves. Pumpkins. Anything fall related
- Summer is a close second
- Boating is my favorite thing to do during the summer. There is nothing better than enjoying a beer on a boat
- I am obsessed with Starbucks…well, caffeine in general. Coffee. Lattes. Chai. You name it. I love it
- I hate flying…
- But I want to go to Australia
- I have vertigo and get dizzy randomly…it SUCKS
- I do not ride carnival rides or rollercoasters
- I am a fantastic organizer…truly I think it makes some people sick
- I have never cut the grass. Ever. In my life. Would have NO clue how to even start the lawn mower
- Nor have I used a snow blower
- I quit smoking five years ago and am SO happy I did
- Blogging is my new obsession. I love stumbling upon other peoples blogs and getting inspired. Someday, I would like to make a job of it :)
- I have five really close girlfriends that mean the world to me
- I prefer white wine to red
- I love seafood…
- BUT have never tried sushi
- I named one of my boys after a Sex and the City character...
- which means I am either crazy or I love SatC...I'm going to go with the latter
- I recently discovered my spiritual side and am really enjoying learning what that is all about
- I have animal nicknames for both of my boys: “Aidan Monkey” and “Little Lion Man”
- I really want to run a marathon OR something…perhaps I will just start with a 5K
- My husband and I recently bought a home...
- I am loving painting, decorating and trying to figure out "my style"
- I am a total neat freak…which can be really tricky with little ones
- I LOVE bathes. Bubbles optional.
- Making lists of “things to do” is FUN for me. I get a huge sense of accomplishment when crossing items off
- I finished my Bachelors degree when pretty much no one thought I would...and
- I want to go back to school. In fact, if I could, I would just be in school my entire life and never work...
- because I am convinced I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up
- Party planning= FUN not stress
- I am easily frustrated when I can’t figure out how to solve a problem on my own. Asking for help is really difficult for me
- Being a mommy is one of best things in the world but I have little patience. This changed quickly after Little Lion Man
- Monkey and I like to make up our own words for things and speak “our own language”
- I have no sense of humor and have been known to take things personally
- I can be judgmental
- Two words: Milwaukee. Brewers
- Diet Coke is my friend
- Terrible. Terrible dancer
- I have a major phobia of puke. As in literally RUN the other direction
- I have never been out of the country
- I am a lover of hand sanitizer, also known as, “magic soap” in my house
- I never ate a hotdog until I married my husband
- My favorite book is Eat. Pray. Love. I get something new from it every time I read it and I refuse to see the movie
- My favorite author is Emily Giffin
- I am awful at Math…even simple addition and subtraction…its quite pathetic
- I have never watched any of the Star Wars movies but should because Monkey has a healthy obsession with all things Star Wars related
- Kings of Leon is my favorite band
- Bad breath is the biggest turn off
- I prefer vanilla ice cream to chocolate
- Target is my favorite store
- I am NOT a morning person
- I never thought I could be a stay-at-home mom until recently. I feel like I am missing out on so much
- I have never driven stick shift
- Laziness drives me crazy
- Everyone I know always talks about wanting to go back to high school because it was the best time of their life...I beg to differ. I would never go back
- I have a subscription to Better Homes and Gardens and my husband makes fun of me for it. I think that magazine ROCKS
- I drink right out of the carton. Gross. I know. but i do it anyway
- I believe in second chances
THE END. For now
Wednesday, January 4, 2012
Relish
New year. New start. Right?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about "letting go" and just letting things BE. For those of you who know me (and for those of you who don't), you know this is going to be incredibly difficult for me. I am a planner. A "do-er" not a "sitter"...I can't sit still unless everything is done and in its place. I really want that to change though. I really want to be able to just take a break and enjoy the little things. I want to stop focusing on things that in the long run don't really matter. I read this post and it got me thinking about my word for 2012. If I had to choose one word to describe what I want to focus on for 2012 it would RELISH.
I want to enjoy my husband and kiddos and stop constantly trying to pick up after them. I want to play "Army guys" with Aidan instead of insisting on cleaning the kitchen instead. I want to snuggle with Gray because before I know it he will be crawling and walking. I fear if I don't cherish these moments now, they will be gone and I will never be able to get them back. I want to take pleasure in just sitting and reading a book without constantly thinking about my to-do list. I want to appreciate the moments I'm able to get away with friends instead of thinking about what I could be doing at home. I want to RELISH in all the moments of my life.
What is your word for 2012?
Lately I've been doing a lot of thinking about "letting go" and just letting things BE. For those of you who know me (and for those of you who don't), you know this is going to be incredibly difficult for me. I am a planner. A "do-er" not a "sitter"...I can't sit still unless everything is done and in its place. I really want that to change though. I really want to be able to just take a break and enjoy the little things. I want to stop focusing on things that in the long run don't really matter. I read this post and it got me thinking about my word for 2012. If I had to choose one word to describe what I want to focus on for 2012 it would RELISH.
I want to enjoy my husband and kiddos and stop constantly trying to pick up after them. I want to play "Army guys" with Aidan instead of insisting on cleaning the kitchen instead. I want to snuggle with Gray because before I know it he will be crawling and walking. I fear if I don't cherish these moments now, they will be gone and I will never be able to get them back. I want to take pleasure in just sitting and reading a book without constantly thinking about my to-do list. I want to appreciate the moments I'm able to get away with friends instead of thinking about what I could be doing at home. I want to RELISH in all the moments of my life.
What is your word for 2012?
Sunday, January 1, 2012
There is no such thing as perfect
For the first time EVER, Tommy and I are staying in for New Years. YAY! Our plans changed last minute when my in-laws got tickets to go to the Rose Bowl. So, here we are at home. The plan is to tuck in the boys and then make a delicious dinner of lobster and steak. Wish us luck ;)
While waiting for the boys to go to sleep I got to thinking about New Years resolutions. Part of me LOVES the idea of coming up with a New Years resolution. Starting fresh. Setting a new goal. What isn't to love about that? BUT the other part of me feels like New Years resolutions are just a way of setting yourself up for disappointment and disaster. The latter tends to happen to me. I'm all about the idea of setting a new goal but for me, I never seem to carry through. I'm a starter but not a finisher. Rather than set myself up to be disappointed because I didn't successfully complete my resolution, I've decided to just let go and let it be. Stop trying so hard.
I am the Mom who is guilty of trying to be perfect. I have this super unrealistic idea that everything needs to be perfect all the time. A perfect and orderly house with everything clean and spotless with all the laundry done. Happy and healthy boys who are never messy. A husband whose needs are always met who I never argue or fight with. Cookies that are always freshly baked. I want to have time to volunteer and go on field trips with Aidan. I want to help at our church. Oh, did I mention I work too? While I think all of these ideas and wants have good intentions, lets be realistic. Little boys who are never messy? A clean house with two little boys ALL the time? Pft...for like, five minutes. I feel like I kill myself trying to accomplish all of these things even though I know how unrealistic being perfect is. So, I've decided that this year will be different. This year I will stop trying so hard. I will not spread myself so thin. I will take time to enjoy the little things and I will stop trying to reach perfection because there is no such thing as being perfect. This is my New Years resolution. Happy New Year!
What are your New Years resolutions or do you not make one?
While waiting for the boys to go to sleep I got to thinking about New Years resolutions. Part of me LOVES the idea of coming up with a New Years resolution. Starting fresh. Setting a new goal. What isn't to love about that? BUT the other part of me feels like New Years resolutions are just a way of setting yourself up for disappointment and disaster. The latter tends to happen to me. I'm all about the idea of setting a new goal but for me, I never seem to carry through. I'm a starter but not a finisher. Rather than set myself up to be disappointed because I didn't successfully complete my resolution, I've decided to just let go and let it be. Stop trying so hard.
I am the Mom who is guilty of trying to be perfect. I have this super unrealistic idea that everything needs to be perfect all the time. A perfect and orderly house with everything clean and spotless with all the laundry done. Happy and healthy boys who are never messy. A husband whose needs are always met who I never argue or fight with. Cookies that are always freshly baked. I want to have time to volunteer and go on field trips with Aidan. I want to help at our church. Oh, did I mention I work too? While I think all of these ideas and wants have good intentions, lets be realistic. Little boys who are never messy? A clean house with two little boys ALL the time? Pft...for like, five minutes. I feel like I kill myself trying to accomplish all of these things even though I know how unrealistic being perfect is. So, I've decided that this year will be different. This year I will stop trying so hard. I will not spread myself so thin. I will take time to enjoy the little things and I will stop trying to reach perfection because there is no such thing as being perfect. This is my New Years resolution. Happy New Year!
What are your New Years resolutions or do you not make one?
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