Thursday, April 19, 2012

Finding Him

When I first started this little blog my brother asked me something similar to: did you find God or something? Huh? What does that even mean? But I have to say, it got me thinking. Did I find God? We were raised Catholic (kind of)...meaning I was baptized but never confirmed. We started off going to church every Sunday and then that changed to only on holidays and then even that stopped. I have never really asked my parents why. It really doesn't matter. Growing up, I thought church was boring and had absolutely no interest in going. We didn't pray before meals. In fact, I don't think we ever really prayed. If we did, I have no memory of it. I had no concept of God, religion, faith, spirituality. I didn't even realize there was a difference between religion and spirituality until very recently! I was clueless and just didn't understand.

How ironic is it that I started dating someone whose family is very strong in their faith? If I'm being honest, it really freaked me out. I remember saying things to Tommy like "I can't eat dinner at your house. I don't know the dinner prayer"...sounds so funny to say that now. But I remember being so afraid of his parents. Then of course we got pregnant (remember we weren't married). To say I was terrified would be an understatement. Tommy decided he wanted to tell his parents on his own. I would be lying if I said I wasn't thrilled about that. The next day Tommy's mom called me and left a message. She said a child is a gift from God and we are so happy for you. Ummm...what? You mean you aren't screaming at me and disowning us? Ohhhhh. I was happy. I felt like I had somebody in my corner. I couldn't stop thinking about what she said either. A child is a gift from God. Maybe this sounds cliche but I was afraid. Afraid of being pregnant. Afraid of what was to come. Afraid of this gift from God. So, I decided to go to church. Why it took me becoming pregnant to attend, I don't know. All of a sudden it felt really important to me. We started going on a regular basis. Aidan was baptized there. We got married there. Aidan attends Sunday School there. Grayson was baptized there.  We finally became members (but after a couple of years). Then I joined my Mom's group which is also through church. I feel part of something bigger than myself when I'm there. I don't know how to explain it.

There are several factors that I think have helped me figure all of this out. When I'm there it doesn't even feel like church. The sermons are applicable to everyone. I honestly feel like the Pastor writes them FOR ME. Which obviously isn't the case but they are so easy to understand and relate to. I sometimes find myself teary  and I don't know why. Happy tears. And I have no control over them. They just come. I think it weirds Tommy out but that's OK. There are also two different services offered. A more traditional and a celebration service. We attend the celebration service, so a band plays. A GOOD band. I love the music. There is a huge sense of community as well that I really enjoy. I'm sure part of that stems from my Mom's group. Because I am a part of that group, I KNOW people now. I  look forward to seeing them on Sunday's. I've established relationships with these women. I have learned SO MUCH from them. I can ask them ANYTHING and they don't laugh. They are supporting me through this journey. Plus, we do AMAZING things together! With and without our kiddos. I couldn't ask for a better support system. I've also realized that I want this for my kids. I can't go back and change the fact that religion and faith weren't part of my upbringing but I can make it part of my children's. I know I have a LONG way to go and a ton to learn but I am really happy with the journey so far.    

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