Monday, May 21, 2012

I need a break

Help! I need a break...
As a mother, is it normal to sometimes feel this way? And is it OK to feel this way and not feel guilty? The latter is what I seem to have a hard time with. I always feel so guilty when I'm away from my kids. My heart belongs at home so when I'm not there I don't feel right. It feels like something is missing. At the same time though, I feel rejuvenated whenever I get a break. Even if its just a quick trip alone to the grocery store. I also feel guilty whenever my kids drive me to my breaking point.  It's a lose-lose situation. I feel guilty for losing my cool and I feel guilty for leaving.

Tommy's baseball season started last week so the boys and I have been on our own. Things are going well for the most part. The trickiest time is definitely dinner and bed time. Part of what makes this time so difficult is that Aidan and Grayson are on two completely different schedules. Grayson eats dinner at five and has a bottle at 6:30 so I can lay him down at seven. Aidan and I don't usually even sit down to eat until seven. But that means I need to be making our dinner around 6:30 so we can eat at seven. See the overlap? I've been trying to keep Grayson on his schedule as much as possible because he seems to have the hardest time with change. But then I have to deal with the complaints from Aidan about being starving and asking when dinner is ready. I can't blame him too much...I'm usually quite hungry by then too. So, we've been eating later which then means he has been getting to bed later too. I don't know how single parents do it. I really don't. I suppose its one of those "you just do it" situations without even thinking about it. But its days like yesterday that make me appreciate the help Tommy gives me even more than I normally do.

Tommy had a game yesterday so he left the house around 11:45. I took the boys to church by myself. We haven't been very good about going lately because Grayson always takes his morning nap during church and if his schedule gets out of whack he is "off" the entire day. I wanted to give it a try and see what would happen. Aidan decided he didn't want to go to Sunday school because the kids were singing and we hadn't been in several weeks and he didn't' know the words. I couldn't really blame him so I let him sit with me. BIG. Mistake.Once the kids were done singing he decided he wanted to go to Sunday school. Toooooo late buddy. So I made him sit with me.  He wouldn't sit still. He was loud. He was just crazy. We had plans to go to my in-laws after church to visit. I told Aidan he was going to eat lunch and have quiet time after. Everything was "no, I don't want that," or "I'm not doing that"... constant talking back. Then the lying started. I saw him picking his nose and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and I said I saw you picking your nose....he insisted he wasn't. I had an ice cream cone later in the day and he demanded he have one too. I refused and he said "If you don't give me an ice cream right now I'm not going to pick up my toys." Excuse me?? I've tried using Love and Logic with him, which really does work (I swear) but its a matter of being consistent with it and I'm not always consistent. I wish I was but at this point I had just about had enough. I took him home. Once at home, I took his Legos away. Holy cow was the world ending. I told him the Legos were mine until further notice. I will be keeping them until he earns them back. I forgot to mention that Grayson has another cold and wouldn't lie down for his nap so I had two really cranky kiddos on my hands.
To complicate matters even more, Aidan has started to be really aggressive with Grayson. Poking him on his head. Grabbing his arms really hard. Pushing him over. Trying to hit him. I've reached my limit with that behavior and I'm really stuck as far as trying to figure out what to do about it. The only thing I do know is that Aidan is still really jealous of Gray and doesn't like when I am doing something with Gray instead of him. He told me that I never play with him because I'm always with the baby. I started to feel guilty (go figure!!) so Tommy and I have started doing monthly outings just with Aidan to see if that helps. I'm not sure it does. I really don't know what to do anymore. And to think he is only five. What on earth is he going to do to me when he is 15?!

Deep down I know its important to take time for myself because if i don't I won't be good to anyone, including myself. I just need to wrap my head around the mama guilt and find a way to let it go. Do you have any tips on how to balance being a mama and still finding time for yourself without feeling guilty?

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