On adapting {What the baby books don't tell you}

I am relatively new to the blogging world and I have to say so far I am absolutely loving it. I started blogging because I want to have something for my boys to look back on when they get older. A journal of sorts to keep track of all the happy, silly, funny and not-so-funny things we get into.  I stumbled upon Jeannett's blog, LifeRearranged when I started my blog. Her blog quickly became one of my favorites. I love what she stands for. Plus, she hosts instafriday, which I participate in weekly. I digress... she is currently hosting a series prompting fellow bloggers to answer the question "What the baby books don't tell you." I've read each post and because motherhood is a topic near and dear to my heart I thought why not answer the prompt myself. Here is my take on what the baby books don't tell you...   

Growing up, I never wanted to be a mom. It's hard to admit that now that I have two littles but its true. I never babysat. I had no desire to interact with children. In fact, I was that girl who would see a baby crying while shopping and roll my eyes and mutter under my breath. I simply did not have the mama gene. And I didn't want the mama gene. The truth is, kids scared me. The responsibility scared me and I was too selfish to even think about taking care of someone besides myself.  Instead, I imagined traveling around the world with my husband and living in a condo downtown. Children were never part of the plan.

Then, bam. I was pregnant. (because, you know... that's how it happens) I lived in a house with five other people, I was 24, still in college and couldn't even pay my cell phone bill. Not to mention Tommy and I had only been dating for a year. How in the world were we going to have a baby? To say I was scared would be an understatement. I wish I could remember everything that went through my mind at that time but I don't. I just remember knowing with absolutely certainty that I HAD to go through it. There was no other option for me.

So I stopped going to school to work full time. Tommy and I moved into our own place. We did the best we could to prepare for our new arrival. I remember crying to my OB from 32 weeks on until I delivered Aidan because I had no idea how to be a mom. Over and over I repeated I can't do this. I don't know how and he looked at me and said "Kristi, you just know. You just do it." And he was right. It didn't matter that I read every.single.baby.book out there in order to try to grasp some sort of knowledge to prep me for the journey ahead.  Of course the books helped with the basics like, things to try if your baby won't stop crying, how to swaddle, when to start solid foods, how to change a diaper and more. But to me, that isn't what this little thing called motherhood is all about. In fact, you could read all the books out there but nothing can convey the immediate bond you feel with your new baby. Or how you would quite literally do ANYTHING for them. Nothing can prepare for those first smiles. First coos. Or the first time you get puked on. The first time your toddler falls down and scraps his knees. The first time someone hurts his feelings. Or how your child will start to take on some of your characteristics, even the ones you hoped they wouldn't. Or the first time you have a diaper blow out (I know that wasn't in the baby books!). Or how you will sob like a baby when your son has his first Spring Sing. Or how happy you are when he makes a goal in soccer. The books don't prepare you for how to answer questions like, "is there t-ball and squirt guns in heaven" or the standard "why is the sky blue."

At 24 I learned very quickly that you have to be flexible and adapt. Nothing is by the book and just like my OB said, you really do "just do it." You roll with the punches. You figure out it. And the best part of it is, there really is no right or wrong answer. You do what is best for you. You breast feed or you bottle feed.  You use cloth diapers or disposable diapers. You co-sleep or you don't. You rock them to sleep or you let them cry it out. You make your own baby food or you buy it in the jar. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you do what works best for you and your baby.  What works best for you might not be what what works for your friend or your coworkers and there is nothing wrong with that.

Thinking back now, its funny to remember the time in my life when I thought I never wanted kids. I can't imagine life without them. I am a better person because of my boys. They have taught me things about myself I never knew existed. Patience. What it means to sacrifice. How to love unconditionally. They have made me more aware of the plight of others. Like the fact that 4,500 children die each day because of water related diseases. Clean water, something we take for granted every single day, still affects thousands of people each day. Can you imagine not being able to give your little one a glass of water? Me either. So donate to the cause: Charity: Water. Lets help support those out there that don't have access to clean water.

Now, I look at the mom with the screaming child in Target and have sympathy for her. There is no more eye rolling and muttering under my breath. I smile because I've been there. We all have. And I wouldn't trade this little thing called motherhood for anything. 

I need a break

Help! I need a break...
As a mother, is it normal to sometimes feel this way? And is it OK to feel this way and not feel guilty? The latter is what I seem to have a hard time with. I always feel so guilty when I'm away from my kids. My heart belongs at home so when I'm not there I don't feel right. It feels like something is missing. At the same time though, I feel rejuvenated whenever I get a break. Even if its just a quick trip alone to the grocery store. I also feel guilty whenever my kids drive me to my breaking point.  It's a lose-lose situation. I feel guilty for losing my cool and I feel guilty for leaving.

Tommy's baseball season started last week so the boys and I have been on our own. Things are going well for the most part. The trickiest time is definitely dinner and bed time. Part of what makes this time so difficult is that Aidan and Grayson are on two completely different schedules. Grayson eats dinner at five and has a bottle at 6:30 so I can lay him down at seven. Aidan and I don't usually even sit down to eat until seven. But that means I need to be making our dinner around 6:30 so we can eat at seven. See the overlap? I've been trying to keep Grayson on his schedule as much as possible because he seems to have the hardest time with change. But then I have to deal with the complaints from Aidan about being starving and asking when dinner is ready. I can't blame him too much...I'm usually quite hungry by then too. So, we've been eating later which then means he has been getting to bed later too. I don't know how single parents do it. I really don't. I suppose its one of those "you just do it" situations without even thinking about it. But its days like yesterday that make me appreciate the help Tommy gives me even more than I normally do.

Tommy had a game yesterday so he left the house around 11:45. I took the boys to church by myself. We haven't been very good about going lately because Grayson always takes his morning nap during church and if his schedule gets out of whack he is "off" the entire day. I wanted to give it a try and see what would happen. Aidan decided he didn't want to go to Sunday school because the kids were singing and we hadn't been in several weeks and he didn't' know the words. I couldn't really blame him so I let him sit with me. BIG. Mistake.Once the kids were done singing he decided he wanted to go to Sunday school. Toooooo late buddy. So I made him sit with me.  He wouldn't sit still. He was loud. He was just crazy. We had plans to go to my in-laws after church to visit. I told Aidan he was going to eat lunch and have quiet time after. Everything was "no, I don't want that," or "I'm not doing that"... constant talking back. Then the lying started. I saw him picking his nose and asked him what he was doing. He said nothing and I said I saw you picking your nose....he insisted he wasn't. I had an ice cream cone later in the day and he demanded he have one too. I refused and he said "If you don't give me an ice cream right now I'm not going to pick up my toys." Excuse me?? I've tried using Love and Logic with him, which really does work (I swear) but its a matter of being consistent with it and I'm not always consistent. I wish I was but at this point I had just about had enough. I took him home. Once at home, I took his Legos away. Holy cow was the world ending. I told him the Legos were mine until further notice. I will be keeping them until he earns them back. I forgot to mention that Grayson has another cold and wouldn't lie down for his nap so I had two really cranky kiddos on my hands.
 
To complicate matters even more, Aidan has started to be really aggressive with Grayson. Poking him on his head. Grabbing his arms really hard. Pushing him over. Trying to hit him. I've reached my limit with that behavior and I'm really stuck as far as trying to figure out what to do about it. The only thing I do know is that Aidan is still really jealous of Gray and doesn't like when I am doing something with Gray instead of him. He told me that I never play with him because I'm always with the baby. I started to feel guilty (go figure!!) so Tommy and I have started doing monthly outings just with Aidan to see if that helps. I'm not sure it does. I really don't know what to do anymore. And to think he is only five. What on earth is he going to do to me when he is 15?!

Deep down I know its important to take time for myself because if i don't I won't be good to anyone, including myself. I just need to wrap my head around the mama guilt and find a way to let it go. Do you have any tips on how to balance being a mama and still finding time for yourself without feeling guilty?

Love and Logic Week #7

My last Love and Logic class was this week (insert sad face here). I'm so bummed the class is over but I know it's time for me to get out there and put everything I've learned into action. Since it was our last class, we all went around and talked about how implementing Love and Logic in our homes has gone thus far.  This is one of the things I am going to miss most about class being over. The constant support of other parents in similar situations. Once our sharing session was over, we focused on chores.

Frankly, I had never even considered chores for Aidan. Weird. I know. I guess I just like things done a certain way in my house and I've always believed that Aidan was too young to be able to clean anything the way I want it cleaned. Once again, after our discussion last night, I changed my mind. It is not so much about having Aidan clean something, it's about making him feel like he is part of the family by having him contribute to our household. Chores:

• give the child a sense of importance in the family. One of my classmates suggested calling chores "contributions" which I thought was an awesome idea
• give the child a sense of accomplishment through struggle
• can condition children to believe that their parents are the loving authority figures in the home
• can be used effectively as consequences or to pay back parents for time invested working through the child's problem

Giving your child chores or contributions instills in them a sense of value and responsibility. Here are some tips on enforcing the completion of chores: 

• Do not pay kids to do their chores. They are a member of the household, therefore it is their job to help keep it. However, it is OK to pay a child to do your chores
• Never demand, "Do it Now!"
• Provide a reasonable deadline...by the end of the day, before bed, etc
• Plan what you will do if the chores are not done... will the child pay someone else to do the chores? How will the work get done?
• If the child is paying someone else to do the job, where is the money coming from?
• NEVER remind a child to do his/her chores. Reminding teaches children not to think and remember for themselves. It is best that the consequences do the teaching and the reminding

Here is my take on all of this. First, I always thought once Aidan got old enough to do chores, we would pay him. How else do you get him to do the work? Oops. Guess I was wrong about that. The thought that  the child is part of the family and should pitch in to help keep the household, couldn't be more true. Great idea in my book. Why hadn't I thought of it sooner? Second, the few times I have asked Aidan to do something, I have always demanded "do it now." Otherwise, the work wouldn't get done. However, I never presented him with a deadline or choices as far as what could happen if he didn't come through and successfully complete his chores.

I have decided that I am going to start giving Aidan a few small things to do...the few things I have come up with are having him put his clothes away and make his bed. I think giving him these small tasks now will not only give him some responsibility but will prep him for when he gets older and more is expected of him. Like any of the Love and Logic parenting techniques, I know that this isn't going to be easy (but what is?!) and I know there are going to be struggles but I think it's worth a shot. Wish me luck!

How do you get your kids to do chores? What kind of chores do you give them to do? 

Love and Logic Week #6

I promised myself when this week started that I would be timely in my Love and Logic post and not wait until the following week to post as I did last week. Wellll...that didn't exactly happen. Here we are, a week later again, but it is what it is, right? Better late than never...

Last week, we discussed how to construct consequences and why it's important to let empathy and consequences do the teaching (The "L" in COOL). Of all the Love and Logic techniques, this is probably the hardest for me to do.  I am quick to "punish" Aidan if he has misbehaved. In my opinion, it is so much easier to punish a child rather than allow the child to be involved in the process of experiencing consequences. I really want to work on changing that. In regards to consequences, there are three different types: natural, delayed and logical. Before I describe what the difference is, perhaps I should describe the difference between consequences and punishments.

Consequences                                                                        
Offer an opportunity for the child to be involved in decision making
Child does his or her own judging
Adult voice is helpful and friendly
Child learns about the real world of consequences
Child has no opportunity to displace his/her anger or hurt

Punishment
The adult makes the decisions
Adult is the judge
Adult displays anger
Child learns about the imposition of power
Adult provides opportunity for the child to be angry and resentful, rather than working toward a solution

Some consequences happen naturally, such as when a child doesn't wear their jacket. The consequence is they will be cold. This happens naturally, therefore a natural consequence.Makes sense, right? Some consequences are delayed, such as when a child acts out in such a way that a consequence cannot be decided upon immediately. This happens frequently in my house...I get so flustered that I say something to Aidan like "I will be doing something about that but not right now. Try not to worry." Then, when he asks for a treat for dessert or wants to play a game I tell him not tonight because of the choice he made earlier. Lastly, some consequences are logical. Logical consequences require one to use their empathetic statement first and then deliver the "bad" news. Examples include statements like:   "Boy, that is sad. Looks like you won't be able to play outside until your room is clean" or "How sad for you. Not to worry. You may eat what is served or wait until breakfast to eat."

When constructing logical consequences, it's important to consider these three things:

1. What would happen to an adult, in the real world, who did the same kind of thing?
2. How can I tie the time and place of the infraction to the consequence?
3. How can I describe the consequence so that it moves the child into the thinking state? (using questions is most effective)

In the past I have always made the decision as to how Aidan would be disciplined. I decided and told him what to do. Typically, I would also be angry. Using Love and Logic is the exact opposite. My goal for this week is to put all of this into practice. I will keep you posted as I'm sure an opportunity will arise!

Good luck and happy parenting! 

Love and Logic Week #5

Time for more Love and Logic. I can't believe there are only two weeks left. This class is going by so fast! I'm trying to soak up all the info I can. To be fair, I have to admit that I was not at class when we discussed last weeks topics. It was my first week doing ten hour days for work and I was completely exhausted. Sometimes a momma just needs to go home and sleep. I am disappointed that I didn't make it but a happy wife equals a happy life, right? So I chose sleep last week instead. Because I wasn't in class, I don't think it would be fair for me to go into great detail regarding the topics that were discussed. Therefore, I'm just going to use the book and give a brief overview.

The second "O" in the acronym "C.O.O.L" was the focus of class. "O" stands for opportunities for thinking. The idea is to give your child opportunities for them to think through their problems. As a parent, you assist your child in doing this by using "thinking words" not "fighting words" to help stimulate their thinking process.

Fighting words include:  
telling the child what to do:  "You get to work right now!"
telling the child what you will not allow: "You're not going to talk to me that way!"
telling the child what you won't do for him/her: "I'm not picking up your dirty clothes."

Thinking words include:
telling the child when he/she CAN do something: "Feel free to go outside as soon as you have your room cleaned" 
telling the child the conditions under which the adult will do something:  "I'll be glad to discuss this with you, as soon as the arguing stops." 
describing the choices a child has: "You may eat what is served or you may wait and see if the next meal appeals to you more."

What I noticed after reading through this chapter and doing some reflecting is that I always tell Aidan what to do and how to do it... "you do this or you do that. Don't do this, do that"...  I use fighting words not thinking words. I have been making a conscious effort to change the way I speak with  him. I've practiced giving him choices and the biggest revelation we've had thus far is him telling me "Mom, you just choose or just tell me what to do." He can't think on his own because he is so used to me telling him how to do something. Scary thought! This has only made me more careful about what I say to him and how I say it. I don't want him to start kindergarten next year and have no idea how to make a choice. The problem is just remembering what to say.

Here are some suggestions for you:
You are welcome to ________
Feel free to ________
I'll be giving ________
I'll drive, as soon as _______
You may _________
I'll be happy to _________

Happy parenting!

Drowning

Sometimes I feel like I'm drowning. Drowning in life. Do you ever feel that way? I think this is probably a normal feeling to have as a momma but I just don't know where to go with it. I've said this before but for those of you that don't know, I am a working momma. I have a 9-5 well, more like an 8-6...but you get the picture. Most importantly, I am a momma and a wife. A sister and a friend. I am involved in my church. I'm in a moms group. I enjoy blogging and maintaining my blog. I have a house to keep. Bills to pay. Grocery shopping to do. Laundry. Cleaning. The list goes on and on. For the most part, these are all things that I thoroughly ENJOY doing or being involved in.  But maybe its too much. How do you decide when enough is enough?

In the past couple of weeks, my job has become more demanding, which is actually a really good thing. I am enjoying my new responsibilities but I come home exhausted. I'm also working longer hours. By the time I get home I have exactly 30 minutes to spend with Grayson and an hour and a half to spend with Aidan, which makes me sad. I feel like a crummy momma. By the time they are in bed, I can barely hold my own head up. BUT I push on...make lunches, pick out clothes for the next day, make sure Aidan and Grayson have everything they need for school and daycare, try to blog, send emails, spend time with my husband.  To be honest, its a bit much.

At what point does one "give something up" or remove something from their plate?? The problem I'm facing is that I LOVE all of these "extra" things...I don't want to give them up. However, I feel like right now, I am doing everything mediocre. AND I hate it. I am not a mediocre person. I feel like I'm letting people down. AND I hate that even more.  Tommy says I have unrealistic expectations of what someone can accomplish in a day and that I need to be more realistic. Perhaps there is some truth to this statement. Perhaps I need to reevaluate my "to-do" list. Or maybe the problem is that I want to do everything on my own. I hate asking for help. I hate admitting that I can't do something. Right now though, I am drowning. I have had the same things on my "to do" list for a week  We had tummy troubles in our house over the weekend, as well as a plumbing problem in our basement so the things I thought I would accomplish this weekend never got done. I had a blog post planned for everyday this week...its Wednesday and I am just now posting this. So much for blogging every day. I am discouraged because I'm not accomplishing things the way I wanted them to be accomplished. Maybe Tommy is right. Maybe I need to be more realistic. Maybe I'm not letting anyone down per say. Maybe the person I am letting down is myself.

I don't want this to come off as a "woe is me" post or like I'm complaining about my life. Because I'm not and that is certainly not my intention. As a momma, I am just trying to sort through all of the different demands we face every day and how to decide what if anything to let go of. Because as I sit here typing this, I feel like I can't even maintain status quo anymore. Somethings got to give, but what?

Love and Logic Week #4

I finally had my fourth Love and Logic class this past week. I say finally because we had a two week break due to the instructor having prior obligations. I felt like I was in limbo waiting for the class to start up again. I didn't realize how much I was depending on the instructors advice and suggestions. Lets just say I had a little list of things to discuss with her once we resumed classes! Although, all things considered, Aidan and I have been having really good weeks, with the exception of a couple of minor incidents, which are totally normal, and one rather obnoxious incident (someone let the "H" word fly..."H" as in Hate. ummmm...don't kids usually tell parents they hate them once they reach the age of 15 NOT 5?? But that is a post for another day or maybe never)

This week we focused on the "O" in the acronym C.O.O.L. O stands for Ownership of the problem. Majority of the class was spent determining when a problem isn't ours to solve and then learning techniques regarding how to help our children solve their own problems. I loved loved loved this.   The key is to ask yourself this question:  what is going to happen to me if that problem doesn't get solved?? If the answer is nothing, then it's the child's problem, not ours. So often I find myself getting caught up in Aidan's problems and I have to admit, as a parent I've always believed his problems are my problems. I'm his mom. Of course they are my problems too. Right? Wrong. This lesson really helped me sort through some of that. I worry about him making friends. Technically that is his problem, not mine. I worry about him acting out in school. His problem. I freak out because his room is a disaster area. Also his problem. And so on. Getting confused regarding who needs to solve the problem is super easy to do. In fact, I will go out on a limb here and say tons of parents do this... make their children's problems their problems. Once you've determined that the problem is your child's, you assist them in solving the problem on their own, versus doing it for them.

There are five steps in guiding your child to solve their own problem.
Step One: Empathy

• use your empathetic phrase. Mine is "what a bummer" or "how sad"

Step Two: Send the "Power Message"

• Ask the child "what do you think you're going to do?"

Step Three:  Offer Choices

• Ask the child "would you like some ideas," followed by "some boys/girls your age..."
• The key is to give a variety of choices ranging from bad to good. It's usually best to start out with the poor choice. Each time a choice is offered, go on to step four, forcing the child to state the consequence in his/her own words. This means going back and forth between steps three and four until you have stated all of the choices.

Step Four: Have the child state the consequences

• Ask the child "and how will that work"

Step Five: Give permission for the child to either solve the problem or not solve the problem

• "Good luck, I hope it works out for you"

I am looking forward to seeing how this will work in our house. I'll keep you posted! 

Love and Logic Week #3

In last weeks Love and Logic post, I introduced the acronym C.O.O.L and discussed what each letter meant. Last night, we focused on the "C" or Control that is shared. WOW. and for the record, that is not a sarcastic WOW. That is a legit, WOW, I am impressed! What an eye opener...who knew that giving a child SOME control over their life would make things easier on us as parents. (PS. it really does! I tried it this morning)

Parenting with Love and Logic helps parents learn to give children control on our terms. A good way to do this is by giving the child choices. Examples:  would you rather pick up your toys now or hire me to do it? Would you rather clean your room today or tomorrow? Would it be best for you to do your homework today or while the rest of us are at the park tomorrow? Get the idea?? :)

Some additional things to think about when giving your child choices are:

• If your child doesn't choose, be prepared to choose for them
• Be sure to pick two choices that you can live with
• Never give a choice unless you're willing to allow the child to live with the consequences of his or her bad choice
• Remember to choose your words carefully...it is easy to turn a choice into a threat (You can either clean your room or lose your right to watch TV) Everything is in the wording.

In regards to making choices, one of the guidelines says if the child doesn't choose be prepared to choose for them. Mmmkay, I can do that but my question last night was what if your child doesn't choose, so you choose for them and then they say the opposite? What do you do? So, lets say I ask Aidan if he wants cereal or waffles for breakfast and he responds "neither" and I say "sounds great...waffles it is" and then he says "nooooo I want cereal"...what does one do in that situation?? Do you reprimand because the child didn't listen? Do you say too bad you took too long, you're having waffles? What do you do? You pick your battles. Because in the grand scheme of things, does it really matter what the child ate for breakfast? No. So if they go back and choose cereal who cares? They are eating and you are able to get out the door on time.

Another technique I learned last night was how to use an enforceable statement. If you are like me and you have a hard time getting your kiddos motivated in the morning, using enforceable statements could potentially help you. An enforceable statement sounds like: "the car leaves at____" or "breakfast is served until ____." One of the stories we heard last night was about a child who was a pokey puppy in the morning and the rule (or statement) in their house was the car leaves at 7:30. He wasn't ready at that time so his Dad and brother left without him. Then the child had to figure out how he was going to get to school. His mother ended up driving him but he had to pay her for gas. The child was never late again. The key is to follow through with the statement or "turn your words to gold" as they say in Love and Logic. If you say the car is leaving at 7:30 be prepared to leave whether or not the child is ready.  (See guideline:  Never give a choice unless you're willing to allow the child to live with the consequences of his or her bad choice)

This all sounds SO EASY but trust me, it definitely isn't. So far, the hardest thing for me has been remembering what to say or how to word my thoughts because unfortunately I am one of those people who can go from zero to ten in two seconds.  This morning the opportunity to use Love and Logic presented itself so I thought I would give it try.  As I mentioned, one of my biggest challenges is getting out the door morning. Aidan is super pokey and is always dragging his feet. As usual, his clothes were laid out for him, all he needed to do was get himself dressed, which this morning HE DID (yay! you have to celebrate the little things) but he "didn't want to" put his shoes on. In fact, I believe he said something like "I'm not doing that"...so I said Aidan would you rather put your shoes on now or after you brush your teeth?...he looked at me like what? you aren't yelling at me and telling me what to do?? he looked so confused but he said "after I brush"...my response was great, lets brush our teeth and we did.  The rest of the morning followed suite...I continued to give him options. Coat or hat first? Would you rather leave your bedroom light on while we are gone all day or give me money from your piggy bank to pay the electric bill? (really...I said that! and what do you think happened?! THE CHILD. TURNED. OFF. THE. LIGHT. without complaining. Holy cow...its a miracle!) I know that every morning won't be like this and that there still will be struggles but I was really impressed with the fact that he responded immediately to this AND that I remembered to use it. I think I am going to print up a few key phrases and post them around my house to prompt me until I really get the hang of all it. Whatever it takes, right?

Love and Logic Week #2

Last night was my second Love and Logic class. This week the Love and Logic "C.O.O.L" Formula was introduced.Over the course of the next four weeks we will focus on each individual piece of the formula.

C.O.O.L stands for:

Control (that is shared):  the parent should have control but CAN give control away (to the child) if they want to. The idea is to give children control on our terms, not theirs. So perhaps, letting the child choose what color shirt they are going to wear that day. However, the choices need to be choices that you as a parent can live with too.

Ownership (of the problem):  parents and children need to be able to determine who owns the problem.  The idea is to let the child take ownership of the problem instead of yourself. I personally struggle with this. I always want to tell Aidan what to do and solve his problems for him. I guess that makes me a "drill sergeant" parent. A good technique I learned last night to help with this is to ask Aidan what HE THINKS will happen during certain situations instead of continuing to always tell him. The key is to always ask questions to help foster independent thinking.

Opportunity (for thinking/decision making): Use thinking words not fighting words. Tell the child what YOU will do during certain situations and let them think for themselves. I have always tended to use fighting words. Again, telling Aidan what to do and how to do it..."you aren't going to talk to me like that" or "I'm not going to pick up your toys for you," instead of something like, "I would be happy to talk to you as soon as the arguing stops." This again, is really difficult for me.

Let (empathy and consequences do the teaching):  When you punish your child you are teaching them to feel ashamed and angry and you are making the decisions. You are also giving the child a chance to be angry and resentful towards you instead of working toward a solution to the problem. When you give them "consequences" they are able to learn from their mistake. The key to this is using the empathetic statement before delivering "the bad news"or consequence. Also, consequences allow the child to "own" the problem...again, taking the ownership away or "off of" the parent.

The hardest thing for me this past week when trying to implement all of this was to use less words when he misbehaved. (Go figure...it was hard for me to use less words?!)  But in all seriousness, I kept finding myself so frustrated with his behavior that I wanted to tell him to knock it off and explain, explain, explain to him what he was doing wrong so that it would just STOP. Instead of using the empathetic statement and consequence, I found myself almost ignoring the inappropriate behavior because I couldn't figure out how to deal with it unless I yelled at him. What I learned this week was that it is totally OK to delay the consequence and say something like "I will be doing something about your choice but not right now. Think about that and try not to worry"...then when the opportunity presents itself later in the day, maybe he wants to read a few books at bedtime, I would use the empathetic phrase and tell him "Ohhhhhhhhh what a bummer buddy. We don't (insert misbehavior here). It makes me really sad that we can't read stories but lets try again tomorrow."

This all sounds SO EASY but it really isn't. I'm learning that I am pretty stuck in my ways. Plus, for the past five years we have been parenting one way and to try to change it now is challenging. However, I am definitely up for the challenge because clearly what we were doing wasn't working. I also think it's important for me to remember that these changes aren't something that can happen with the snap of a finger or even overnight, as much as I wish they could. Patience is going to be key. Maybe I will type up some key phrases and post them around our home until I get the hang of all of this. One thing is certain though, none of this is easy and if it was everyone would do it.

Love and Logic

My mom's group is hosting the Love and Logic parenting seminar. So for the next seven weeks on Tuesday nights, I will be busy learning new techniques on how to be a better Mommy. YAY! I am really excited about this and you can look forward to hearing all about my experience here. Lucky you! I digress... Have you heard about this awesome seminar? If not, Love and Logic is a parenting seminar that gives different techniques to use to help raise responsible kids and  have fun at the same time. 

The reason I wanted to take the class is because Mr. Aidan gives me a RUN for my money (...and who doesn't need new tricks to help parent every now and then?). He is my little button pusher and in all honesty, we are cut from the exact same mold. We are the same person except he is obviously the younger boy version of me. SO scary to think about!! As Aidan has gotten older it has become more and more difficult for me to reason with him. And really, why am I reasoning in the first place? I am the adult, he is the child...in my mind there should be no reasoning. Aidan wants what he wants when he wants it. PERIOD. End of story. He is so stubborn and so am I. When we get into our little "tiffs" it is a battle of the wills and to be honest, half the time, he wins! Which, I know is not acceptable. I find myself getting more and more frustrated with him and then I lose my patience completely and start yelling at him. I don't want to be like that anymore. Plus, lets be honest, when you're screaming at your child, he or she isn't learning anything and you walk away feeling like crap because you just freaked out on your kid. NOT fun. Now, I'm at the point where I don't know what else to try.  Hence, why Love and Logic is so desperately needed.  Last night was the first class and I learned so much.

I think the biggest take away for me was to use LESS words. I am always talking, talking, talking. When Aidan does something wrong or misbehaves he goes to his room. When he comes out I ask him why he was in his room, what he did wrong, what he will do different next time (because you know there will be a next time), I ask him to apologize, blah blah blah. With Love and Logic you DON'T do that. You use empathy instead and let the empathy and consequences do the talking instead of you. Wait, WHAT? You mean I'm not supposed to go on and on about what a bad choice he made and ask if he is sorry? oh. weird. So next time Aidan acts out, I am supposed to use an empathetic statement with him (such as "Oh, what a bummer you threw a toy at your brother. Looks like you are going to have to spend some time in your room. We are really going to miss you out here. I am so sorry you need to spend time away from us. I sure wish you hadn't thrown that toy, etc), send him to his room, let him come out when he is ready and then just hug and kiss him and move on. NO explaining. This is supposed to give him the chance to think through the situation on his own and learn from it. Love and Logic actually promotes making mistakes. In fact, making mistakes is one of the steps to children learning responsibility. Again, weird but if you think about it, it makes total sense. We learn from our mistakes so that we don't repeat them.  I feel like I've spent so much time telling Aidan what not to do which only makes him want to do it MORE and then the cycle repeats itself. He isn't learning anything because he needs to figure it out on his own. Not have me constantly tell him, No. NO. NO. Hmmmm...things to think about.  

The biggest challenge in implementing all of this is that it is going to be a learning experience for me too. I pretty much do everything that Love and Logic tells you not to do. There are definitely going to be adjustments and challenges but I am so excited to see all of the changes that come because I know things can only get better. 

The Crazy Mom Syndrome

I fear I have become a crazy mom. Crazy as in, meddles in my five year old sons "relationships" crazy. You know the mom. The mom who is always bothering the teacher and trying to dictate what goes on in the classroom or on the soccer field. The mom who is super controlling and can't let her children "fight their own fights," at least to some extent. (I understand that at times interference is necessary) Aren't there rules out there somewhere on when to meddle and when not to? If only there were a book that had every. single. different situation out there regarding what may or may not happen as your child grew up. I would definitely buy that book.  Too bad that is completely unrealistic. I just can't seem to figure it out. I worry all the time about how Aidan interacts with other children and I am constantly worried that his feelings will be hurt. Am I crazy? Is this normal? Please share your wisdom with me.

Perfect example happened this past weekend. We finally got snow here (YaY snow)...so Aidan wanted to go outside and play.  Added bonus, our neighborhood is full of boys. Twin four year old boys live behind us. An eight year old boy lives across the street. Two houses down to the left there is a five year old and a three year old. You get the picture. Boys are everywhere so there is never a shortage on playmates. However, Aidan always wants to play with the older kids and the older kids don't always want to play with him.  He will stand at the end of our driveway and scream and shout their names, only to be pretty much completely ignored, which is what happened this weekend. And it breaks me heart. I want to shout "HELLLO can you at least answer him and not ignore him?!" Then he comes running back into the house asking if he can go to "so and so's" house to play in the snow too. What do I tell him? Do I say yes go ahead even though clearly the older kids don't want to be bothered by a younger kiddo or do I try explaining that he should see if someone his own age wants to play with him instead? I don't know. This time I let him cross the street and play with the big kids...but I must have looked out our front window ohhhhhhhhhhhh every five minutes to make sure everything appeared OK. And it did. This time. BUT I know there will be a time when it won't be OK and he will be upset about something and I will have to make it better. Part of being a Momma I suppose, but it certainly doesn't make it easy. I fear I will be the mom who retaliates and makes the situation worse. I don't want to be that mom but I don't know how to let go.

Yet, I know at some point in his life he will feel left out or not good enough because unfortunately it's a part of life. We all had to experience those types of situations growing up.  Maybe what is more important is how we help our children to cope during these situations. To educate them even when its hard.  Maybe I should stop worrying about turning into the crazy mom and just let things be instead of trying to dictate everything. I just want to make sure I make the best choices in regards to my son so there is never a doubt in my mind regarding how we raised him.  Being a Momma is HARD. The hardest job in the world if you ask me. Even thought its hard, I wouldn't change it for the world. I just hope I'm doing a good job.

Patience really is a virtue

Ever have one of those days where you just want to start over and go back to bed? I do. I had one today. First, the heat in my car never kicked in on my way to work and then when I got there and turned my car off, smoke started coming out from underneath the hood. Apparently, I need coolant or something. Clearly, I am not a car person. So, Tommy was going to come and put coolant in my car when he get off of work and before I needed to drive again. As if this car business wasn't pain in the butt enough, I must have eaten something bad for lunch because an hour or so after I ate, I started to feel nauseous and thought it would be really fun to get sick at work. I have to say, there is nothing more embarrassing and horrifying then puking in a public bathroom. Especially a shared public bathroom at the place of your employment. Then I was worried I was going to get sick again. I wasn't sure if I had the stomach flu which is spreading like wild fire around here or what. At that point, I had to decide what to do. My stupid car wasn't really drive-able but I also didn't want to stay at work and get sick again. I decide to risk driving home just so I had home field advantage should I have to bow to the toilet gods again.  I made it home without getting sick again but not without overheating my car. As soon as I got home, I took a nap, which helped. I think. (fingers crossed)

On top of all of this, my monkey man, also known as Aidan, has been super difficult to parent lately. And lucky for me, tonight was one of those nights. Oh, I have to say, I've also learned that hard rule that no one takes care of mom when mom is sick. You don't get a day off. You are always a mom. Whether you feel good or not. Which brings me back to tonight and Aidan. We have good days and bad days, which I think is probably pretty typical for a mother of a five year old. I think he is just at that age where he is understanding that he is his own person separate from me and Tommy so he is really testing the boundaries with that and seeing what he can and can't get away with. Tonight everything was a fight. He didn't want to take a shower. He didn't want to get undressed. He didn't want to clean up..."whatever mom. I don't need to do that"...everything was an argument and it was exhausting. Now, I don't know about you but my patience is practically nonexistent when I'm sick. I know I know. I'm a mom and moms are suppose to be patient ALL the time. Lets just say I'm really working on it. So I feel terrible with how I dealt with Aidan tonight but I just had nothing left to give him. Maybe that makes me a bad mom. Or maybe it just makes me a tired and sick mom. Either way, I am not impressed with how I reacted and it really got me thinking about patience.

I've never had much patience or tolerance to draw upon when things don't go my way. It is a constant struggle and I really have to dig deep in order to find the patience to make it through certain circumstances, like today with my car business and then with Aidan.  I wish there was a way to just gain more tolerance but if there is, I'm certainly not aware of it.  Instead, I pray for it. I pray for the patience and strength to be a good mom and to not want to scream and argue back with a five year old. I pray for the patience to make it through hard situations. I pray that someday I will BE a more patient person but until that happens, I pray for a better day tomorrow. That is what is so amazing about this little world of ours. I get to go to sleep and know that tomorrow will be a better day.